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I’ve been through a path I chose myself, my professional journey. I believed I would deliver the best result and met my stakeholder’s expectation. Things won’t go as planned within the last 13 months in this journey. Though, I was very happy for myself who was absolutely brave to take the challenges and provided the best of my best. The journey was filled with thorn, the poisonous sharp thorn which put me down both physical and emotional health… I fell sick months, checked up full body and found nothing… I finally was diagnosed as insomnia. I was cured and decided to open a new page, start the new career from this July 01, 2024.

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I don’t know if I can do it, I have no experience at all with this new career… i just wish myself all the best and lets try first… If I cannot do this, I will need to explore another new opportunity…

This gets me worried, I think quite a lot on this…

In my dreams, several dreams…but I remembered few only…

* The first dream I remembered…

I was in the elevator and was meant to go down stair from 25 floors… Because I was so talkative, the elevator reached ground floor per my goal, I didn’t happen to leave the elevator and it just brought me back to 25 floor… I was like, wowwww… I can even missed the floor…haha… so I just told myself, I will go again…but I waked up…  

I got lost in the building but things didn’t turn so serious… I still enjoyed the ride… hahaha…

**The second dream…

I was leaving my workplace and went home… I almost reached home but saw a teenager boy whom his motorbike got crushed by the truck…

I was so shocked which I jumped from my motorbike and tried to drag him out of the truck… he got injured and there were blood on my hands too… I was quite panic…

I asked him to call his family…

His Mom picked up and talked in such a no care speech, just handed the phone to his
Daddy…

His Dad answered immediately and asked me to wait as he was trying to reach the location we were at…

I was there with him and also with some other kids… waiting for him while this made me gonna be home late, quite late for sure… then I waked up…

 

All in all, my mind, my dreams and all about myself, are all confusing…

I do wish my new page is going to be very smooth, I do hope for this…

BUT I HAVE NO IDEAS OF HOW TO DO DIFFERENTLY IN THIS NEW PAGE YET… POOR ME!

Hay Blog! I come back to you with broken heart again...

My dear speakup zone, my dear blog, I came here with a broken heart again... and so does the broken soul...

 

I cross path with a very great looking man,

He treats everyone generously,

His smile, his confidence…

He is the definition of angel… good looking, kind and righteous…

 

And I believed he gonna be a great person to deal with...

Time goes by...

That gentle guy and a great one to everyone, became the fierce one to me...

An angel to other, a devil to me…

He grows negative perception on me and this negative perception quickly goes stronger and stronger...

 

I've tired to clear this perception...

Though, it seems already attached to his bone and soul...

His hatred to me is just wow...

That stuck feeling in my chest is incredibly indescribable...

He has no appreciation toward my efforts... But just hatred!

Everyone can read him easily... 

He seems want to showoff his unpleasant behavior around me...

 

I know, without smoke, there is no fire...

Things happened for reasons...

I believe I may cause something to make him grow perception...

Though, that negativity is quite deep...

He feedbacked me harshly...

I did feel I was being mentally bullied...

Yet, I cannot drop my on going project with him, this is my responsibility...

So, I work double times harder... days and nights...

I wish my hard work will pay off and we will bring back the healthy engagement...

Yet, he just smirked and be like... “What is to appreciate while I just do my job??!!”

Nothing is fixed...

His words, his actions and his intension are all about removing me from his project's life...

 

I know, this is no longer in my control. I asked for help from my all good people... Though, we still cannot revert and fix this relationship... 

 

 

I do love this project work, this is my dream, my goal... Yet, he closed the door... He blocked me to touch all of my beloved work since this is under his power, his empire...

 

No matter how I tried, it seems like no improvement in our engagement… If I dare to speak a word, he will use that words to put me down… But if other speak that word, nothing will happen… really has nothing happen to other… He said I have no emotional intelligence… How come? He indirectly said I’m stupid…

He made me feel very small… And he enjoys stepping on me… He kicked me out of his empire and he even makes sure, I will not be able to touch any of his projects…

He is very unkind toward me…

 

I really need to lets this go and move on... with the sadden inner...

 

I absolutely can’t believe this things can happen… Do I have any karma to pay off?

 

I’m so shocked to experience all of this things along with his strong dark storm in my life… I honestly don’t feel I deserved all of this…

 

Last but not least, I do appreciate everyone who listen to me, be with me, feel my pain and tried their best to help... Having them in life, is the great gift ever!

It's still hurt...

That is not so painful as I experienced before, but that is still hurtful...
I told myself, I have to protect this relationship for the good sake but the longer I hold the pain, the deeper I'm falling down...

I decided to tell him how I feel so far...

I decided to tell him everything I don't feel good with from now on...

I decided to lets things be the way it is flowing...

Because I decided to free my soul...

I ever told myself to lower my expectation,

Later, I told myself to zero my expectation,

But now, I have no idea of what should I tell myself next...

I do feel lost sometime, not because of anyone but because of myself...

I should not blame anyone but it should be me to be blamed for cannot give enough care for myself... After all, I still did it... to put a blame on him...

He is kind to me…

I believe people see him as not a potential one to them… I heard a lot about him…

I heard…

He is bias…

He is abusing his power…

He is attacking who don’t support him…

He is not transparent…

He is building dark empire…

He is super smart in an unwanted way…

BUT

He treats me quite well…

He is kind to me…

He cares about me…

He gives me growth opportunities…

He is worried of my safety…

 

He is a good person to my experience!

I cannot agree with other while they cannot agree with me too…

After all, we experience differently, I won’t mind them thinking anything about him and they have to not mind me thinking positively about him too…

 

In an unreal world…

I see he is sitting near a rubbish bin…

I see he is so happy to see me and he bows 3 times to me as he knows I appreciate all the good deeds he does to me. He feels so touching… I meantime bow 3 times back to him too, as my respect to him…

He seems really feel attached to me and he comes closer to me and hugs me tight but a hug as family, not harassment…

 

In the real world…

Is he suffering now? I wonder…

Is his fame smell awful now? I’m scared…

 

However, Karma is real… We cannot avoid or compensate the bad deeds with the good ones…

If he really did something unhealthy to someone, he will need to pay it.

And he will be rewarded for his good deeds as well.

 

I wish him all the best and circle by many good and positive people!

Remember me...

"Remember me..." is a song that I like a lot which is from a Disney animation called, "Coco", a 2017 film.

I feel deep love in the song, a love of the Dad to his daughter. That is a sad moment that make me cry for knowing how they are apart with such a misunderstanding, sharpen painful experience...

Then, i remember the time I chose to join a team where I heard many rumors about them, a negative one! I finally didn't regret to go there but instead, felt appreciated to be with them... After all, everything turns to be very stable for my life while my choice at that time brought me to know good people, to learn from them and I did let them know how I feel toward them...

I'm an emotional old lady... hehehe... 

To those people; in short, please REMEMBER ME...!

The first time taste of my birthday

The first time taste of my birthday, I don't refer to my first time to celebrate but the first time that my Mom remembers my birthday and she is the first one who wishes me of the day. I just get up and go down stair, she sees me and says, "Happy Birthday my daughter! May you have the most happiness." ❤️

I really feel weird and I guess I am still not fully awake... hahaha... BUT that is real!

My man, as usual, he doesn't remember at all until the late afternoon that he comes and says, "Happy Birthday my dear!" and he confesses, "I forget..."

I'm totally feeling numb with that, I don't angry him but I just tease him by saying..."No need, until you forget, you forget! hahahah.... 

Then, the late evening, we have soup together at Little Sheep Hotpot Restaurant. I get a feeling he will bring me cake there... I feel it but I tell myself, "Stupid! Do you ever get one from him?" hehehe... My sense says that, I will get one but my brain reminds about the experience! They both make sense.

Almost our dinner ends, the birthday song starts...

My sense says it again..."See????"

My brain debates..."See? The table over there? People stands up, that must be their event..."

My sense says... "Nooooo, it's ours!"

Finally, we can see if the sense or brain get it right....

Behind me, my big boy hands the cake to me while my small boy and my man tag along... 

My sense is excited to see how she wins and I personally, do feel surprised! 

The biggest party I ever get so far... My man's friends of over 10 people join celebration and with their kids that make it totally almost 30 people! That is clear that they are here for hotpot but that is real that they are unintentionally become the part of my birthday celebration, their presences mean a lot to me...

Blowing candles session... before that, I whisper my wish..."May everyone here meet only the happiness!" and I'm so grateful for them to be here! 

Oh, I miss to check my phone too... 

My Dad messages to wish me my birthday with wishes... ❤️

My sister and my brother too who message to wish me... ❤️

A birthday that was mostly forgotten, it is so bright this year... I'm so emotional...honestly!

I don't expect all of these to happen again..

Once is enough, once is a taste, once is a great memory...

And this is my FIRST CAKE I get from my man after we are together for over 11 years! ❤️

Who are those men?

DAY 1

I see a lady…

She is in the garden and sightseeing with her cute smiley face… There, a man keeps looking at her… That lady seems notice his presence and turns to him… “ahh hello!”

That man doesn’t speak a word but goes quick to her and suddenly, he holds her up on his both hands…

The lady gets surprised but seems not surprised for being in his arms… Instead, she says…

“Wow!!! You can hold me up this high? Even my husband cannot hold me up, I’m this so fat!”

She is giggling; meantime, that man quickly steals her a kiss on her lips! She looks very speechless with astonish atmosphere… He puts her down and leaves as soon as possible…

That lady stands there alone with her continuing surprised and is mummering… “Aren’t you my husband’s close friend, #mrfire?”

SOME DAY LATER…

I see her again, that clumsy lady…

She is working in her office. She sees her senior colleague has strangely a sad face...

She asks: “How are you?”

The senior doesn’t reply at all but just walk out of office…

She asks her another teammate, “Do you know what’s happened on him?”

Teammate: “Oh, I heard he will leave soon and may not come back.”

The lady gets the answer, thanks her teammate and reply, “I will go to say goodbye for his farewell then!”

She follows her senior colleague and sees him at the bus station.

He is sitting there with other while silently wait for the bus’s departure time…

The lady calls him, “I’m glad to see you here! I want to say thank you so much for all your advice and I do appreciate your coaching to me, I’ve been doing well at work, all thanks to you! I wish you all the best of your new journey and please take good care of yourself! Keep in touch!”

She smiles brightly even though he just stares at her without a single word…

She turns back and is about to walks back to her office, he stands up and catches her hand, drags her to go with him…

The lady, “Heeee, where do you take me to?”

The senior colleague just continues to drag her until to a silent corner that has a room, nearby the bus station…

Now they are standing in the room and she is about to escape…

The senior colleague starts flowing his precious speech…”Many thanks for coming! Thank you for your wishes! May I hug you for the first and last time please?”

The lady that I called, the clumsy lady; this time, she is no longer clumsy… hehehe…

She replies firmly to the senior colleague: “NO!”

Then she turns back and try to escape again…

Less than seconds, the senior colleague catches her and wrap her waist with his strong both palms. He pushes her up in the space just like a Daddy plays with his toddler…

He moves around…

She is there in the space… She seems enjoys this lifting and laugh…

He spins around even faster… She is alike a kid who is innocent and pure… She does enjoy this!

 Then she talks to him… “Enough! I feel dizzy! Please!”

He puts her down immediately, she sits near the corner of the room, tries to balance and cries…

From how I see…

I think she was happy with that spin… But now I get it, she was scared, though, she didn’t want to disappoint him… Yet, along the progress, that excites her too…

From how I see…

The senior colleague, no matter how passionate he wanted to hug her, without her consent, he didn’t do it. However, he was so smart, he still managed to have sometime with her and saw her happy moment for the last time…

He leaves the room, she is there sitting with tears…

 All in all, why does this lady involve with many men?

This is not the first nor second time I see her, she often appears in my dream…

The way she appears, always with different men…

Who are those men?

And,

WHO IS SHE?