Is that what I mean to be?

Well, I’m good at smiling and yeaaa, not that bad in acting too which my inner frankly isn’t in healthy joy. Don’t think as I’m fake since actually, I’m just doing it for a lively life.

People came and left me. I don’t mean they die but I’m here talking about relationship. It’s hard to describe that feeling =(( but all in all, I know I’m not the special; I meant, the top first special person to my circle people.

I’m living in this world for almost 3 decades till now but how come is it so hard to find only several people who love me unconditionally? Okayyy, can’t I at least have one?

My teachers, all teachers never judge me as the first student they love during my class…

My school friends of primary, secondary, high school and even until university; no one said I’m their top best friend…

My colleagues so far; we were closed only in early time of our friendship path; longer and longer, their feeling toward me faded away while mine isn’t that at all…

My parents; said coz I’m having beauty (they call me pretty ==’) and intelligence (they believe so while I’m awkward of why @,@) so they give much attention and love toward my siblings more than me coz they set their views as my siblings are less fortune…

My crushes; the ones who’re aware nothing about how I felt for them; maybe sometime they know but none can help since I’m not their crushes or some of my crushes even have no idea if I’m also one of all humans in this world…

A person who so called an Ex to me; we broke. Why? Coz until we can broke from I was not the person that he can’t live without…

My love; yeah, I call him my love until we are in relationship for 5 years now… Though, I still understand I’m not his most adorable person…  Sad to say so but it’s real! I cannot even say something negatively about his best friends…

Until I have two sons; do you believe it? They love his dad much more than me….

Everything happens; happened for the reasons… While talking about me; maybe I get a curse to be only the spare person; the second/ third/ fourth/ unlimited last choices even all my feelings for them exactly are real. I won’t easily call anyone close friends or lover which until I call them so, I do mean it heartfully. Meantime, they don’t feel the same at all… I mean to be alone, huhhh? There are times I tell myself as even I disappear, no one will be so much care…

I damn wonder WHY???

I’m not perfect I know but love doesn’t only exist for perfect person, right?

It’s hurt to be none of anyone’s first choice while almost 30 years is over…

Can time really heal pain?

Do I have to deal with this cold pain until it disappears itself or until I end my life?

Uhmmm, it’s too hurt…

“I’m not that ambitious; at least I should get one whom loves me the most!” :'{

#m#just#so#nagging#huh