Complicated Conflict (She & He)

I am having a tough life as always… uhmmm….

I need to work so hard to support this tough life… However, I also have 1.5 days off per week but I cannot relax at all…

My hubby is working in the morning that he will look after our both sons in the afternoon while my mother helps to look after them in the morning…

You know???

- Coz I am working from morning till evening that I arrive home, I must look after my sons coz I don’t look after them at all since morning….

- Coz I am working from Monday to Saturday morning that from Saturday afternoon and Sunday, I must look after kids coz full weekday, I don’t really look after them….

- Coz Mom spends almost full weekday to help looking after them that weekend, she needs me to accompany her for shopping or going for a walk…

- Coz my hubby spends almost full weekday to look after kids which weekend, he needs to relax, sleep and exercise…

As the result…

- If I agree to go with mom and left kids with my husband, he gonna be so mad at me…

- Or if I reject mom and stay home, she would extremely mad at me… She claims that I have no reasons to reject her…. (But yes, she does help me and my family a lot…)

Back and forth, they only see how busy they are for every full week, they may forget or just don’t have any feeling toward me, my condition… I need to work my ass off and for the rest of my times after work, I need to take care the kids or to give them time… Then, where is my time???

However, I am not saying here in order to get my own time, I am not qualified enough to have my own time... :'{ I only feel so hard for trying to fulfill their desires... No matter if I follow my mom's need or him, one of them must be mad at me and coz I cannot give them what they need at the same time they want, I am wrong.... I always try to offer them their needs, I try to balance it but it doesn't work well at all coz they want me to complete their need, not to negotiate...

I feel so heartache, heartbroken for being lonely this way… Of course, my family is around me but you know, once there is still no one who can understand us, we are so sympathy as being exactly lonely…

I ever tried to explain them to understand me BUT:

- My hubby says, I am selfish, I don’t think of him a little bit… He is so exhausted…

- My mom says, she is old but she is still trying to help my family and she tells me I should not raise up about work to her since I am not working to feed her but only my own benefits… Yeah, she is right…

Still, I am so breathless, I tell Mom if one day she finds me dead, don’t be doubt if someone kills me, it must be suicide… She becomes even more furious and says that I am threatening her… Oh no mom, I’m serious!!!!

And of course, they are correct…. They all are nothing wrong but me, that’s me who is always wrong… I should be even wrong to be born in this world… I should just die…

"See You Again", Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth

A song I just have known recently, “See You Again”. Beside the Rap parts, the slow one, both the lyrics, the singer’s voice and the music make me feel so reminiscent… Though, I’m not sure of which past that is affecting me via this song…

I just feel I have something inside, something that I don’t really reveal it yet… something that I still need to wait to share to a person... A person that is someone…

Whatever, I have no clues of what is that something inside me and who is that someone I am waiting for??? :)

#women#be#like#so#complicated 

BIG but SMALL

There was a party…

I with my simple dress, walked in and the party’s main actress welcomed me, guided me to a dining table…

There were two women and a man there…

I reached the table and said hello with my shining smile…

They reacted with their smirk face, tasteless eyes…

I could catch their ironical expression…

So, I asked if the seat was booked,

Two women said fine, I can use but they didn’t seem really mean it…

While the man indirectly said there was booked but until I was in, let’s use!

Sooner, more people came to that table,

They were all got along well,

They were chatting, laughing, teasing,

But well, only one new girl was talking with me,

While other, I can say, they may treat me as a fly,

Nothing can denied, they might see me so disgusted,

Nothing to talk with coz I were just like a bug,

I felt so stuck,

I felt a bit so isolated.

Everyone ended their meal but me,

I was so crazy with food,

Coz it is real me,

Though, it won’t take so long…

Coz I gonna end ma meal with the last bite of fruit,

But they all stood up coz they wanted to leave the table,

And some acted as surprised coz I still not yet stop,

I had no words to say and felt so suck, so clumsy inside…

However, outside I politely said you all can go!

Photo times arrived,

They all looked so active with selfie,

For sure, they called all to join but not me,

I was a bit clumsier, like standing at a narrow dark place alone,

Until I saw that cute girl, took photo with another lady,

I thought if I didn’t start, it won’t happen,

Therefore, I walked in and admitted I wanna join,

That cute girl welcomed me warmly,

But that lady walked out steadily…!!!

You know, right?

I am so big but meeting them, I am so small…

They made me feel so much cold and none bold,

Maybe I was even smaller than the fly,

Coz they might not see me, they acted as I was not there,

They didn’t mean to share their time with me,

Maybe I have ever done something wrongly to them,

That they acted so much like this…

But I confessed, I have no idea what my mistakes were to be deserved so!

Last but not least, I can treat my feeling now. I only want to share how I felt at that moment of time. I can lets that feeling go now… I was just like dumbed but well, until we are still alive, we are still blessed. Maybe they are just coming to become a scar of my life. While there is scar, there must be past pain but when there was pain, there was lesson and while there was lesson, I could understand my flaw and once I understand my flaw, I won’t be wrong again. Be positive!!!

“I have no grudges to revenge them all coz it is not my job but Karma!”

#stay#peace

Diamond Ring

I went to the wedding party and when it was about to start, I went to the bathroom to change clothes and put on my diamond ring. However, the diamond was not bright at all. So I tried to find nearby brush to clean it. There were 3 brushes, I wanted to take that one but it accidentally fell into the toilet. I still wanted it but felt disgusted much more than, I chose another brush and cleaned softly on my diamond ring which made it bright greatly.... #first#night

I was on holiday, enjoyed my holiday mood and it was the beautiful beach! I saw three children, 2 boys and one girl who were playing around my place. Immediately, that little girl came to me and gave me a ring which deserved to have diamond but seemed it lost. I took it to check and asked if where she got it from and she pointed into the sea… Wahhhh….. a lot of rings!!!! I was so craving to pick them up! Lol…. After picking them, I kept handing it to that girl and actually, they all, those rings were fake…  I just played with the kids… lol… Although, at last, I found a diamond ring from that sea which I was so sure it’s the real one! That little girl asked me to hand her and I refused and excused as there was no more… I hided it into my pocket…. I was so greedy… lol… it was a manly diamond ring, big and brightly that I was thinking of giving it to my husband… #second#night

All in all, they were my dreams…  the dreams that scared me moderately since mostly, it is the sign of getting another baby, the baby boy!!! Oh lahhhh, I’m not ready yet and will never be ready for one more boy! I already had twoooooo!!!

#However, Mom told me, sometime it can be the sign of getting good luck! Soon, I will meet such the blessed gifts from miracle world! What is it then??? Hehehe…. I’m so excited if it is like this…. Looking forward to seeing you soon my very good luck!