Complicated Conflict (She & He)

I am having a tough life as always… uhmmm….

I need to work so hard to support this tough life… However, I also have 1.5 days off per week but I cannot relax at all…

My hubby is working in the morning that he will look after our both sons in the afternoon while my mother helps to look after them in the morning…

You know???

- Coz I am working from morning till evening that I arrive home, I must look after my sons coz I don’t look after them at all since morning….

- Coz I am working from Monday to Saturday morning that from Saturday afternoon and Sunday, I must look after kids coz full weekday, I don’t really look after them….

- Coz Mom spends almost full weekday to help looking after them that weekend, she needs me to accompany her for shopping or going for a walk…

- Coz my hubby spends almost full weekday to look after kids which weekend, he needs to relax, sleep and exercise…

As the result…

- If I agree to go with mom and left kids with my husband, he gonna be so mad at me…

- Or if I reject mom and stay home, she would extremely mad at me… She claims that I have no reasons to reject her…. (But yes, she does help me and my family a lot…)

Back and forth, they only see how busy they are for every full week, they may forget or just don’t have any feeling toward me, my condition… I need to work my ass off and for the rest of my times after work, I need to take care the kids or to give them time… Then, where is my time???

However, I am not saying here in order to get my own time, I am not qualified enough to have my own time... :'{ I only feel so hard for trying to fulfill their desires... No matter if I follow my mom's need or him, one of them must be mad at me and coz I cannot give them what they need at the same time they want, I am wrong.... I always try to offer them their needs, I try to balance it but it doesn't work well at all coz they want me to complete their need, not to negotiate...

I feel so heartache, heartbroken for being lonely this way… Of course, my family is around me but you know, once there is still no one who can understand us, we are so sympathy as being exactly lonely…

I ever tried to explain them to understand me BUT:

- My hubby says, I am selfish, I don’t think of him a little bit… He is so exhausted…

- My mom says, she is old but she is still trying to help my family and she tells me I should not raise up about work to her since I am not working to feed her but only my own benefits… Yeah, she is right…

Still, I am so breathless, I tell Mom if one day she finds me dead, don’t be doubt if someone kills me, it must be suicide… She becomes even more furious and says that I am threatening her… Oh no mom, I’m serious!!!!

And of course, they are correct…. They all are nothing wrong but me, that’s me who is always wrong… I should be even wrong to be born in this world… I should just die…