A Life Lately...

It has been tough to me and so does lately… I never had enough sleep since I need to take care my both sons who got such an illness (over 10 times per day of vomiting and diarrhea; plus, high tempered) but well, they weren’t poisoned but the big son was with typhoid and the smallie was having bacteria in his nose, throat and intestine! They are still in treatment process… it has been over a week already… 

Because my husband was abroad, all the responsibilities as the mother and the father had to be shown from me… I finally got flu but still tried to care them no matter what…  I’m easily putting my own self in pressure and also this time… I never dared to hit my son but this time…and it was much too I guessed since my parents and my brother came to stop me but I didn't stop hitting him until the moment my little boy was looking to me sadly with his tears..."Mommy, it's hurt alot!!!"... I was frozen and speechless and stopped by myself.... This happened coz I was so mad that he was trying to vomit and lets the medicine out… I ended up deeply regret for being this way…

Yes, I felt totally guilty and I turned immediately to talk with him, asked him for forgiveness... What did I get? He smiled to me and hugged me tight without any words... I felt so touching and of course, I was so hurt.... I cannot stop my tears... Sorry my son! Your mom is kinda psycho!!! :'(

SMILE

Time is moving from day to day… Uhmm, these few years, I met a lot of things that kept upsetting me…

- Working place where people team up and discriminate me, look down me…

- Family financial crisis that may have no expired date…

- Very big amount of debt…

- Conflict between parents and my man.

Each day, I’m just very busy but I never can release myself from feeling so lonely…

I am smiling, laughing, telling jokes each of most days but I am in that dark of my inner world… I’m sitting there at a tiny corner, hugging my own knees and crying… The feeling is much more than just immediately die I guess. People around me are putting me down intentionally and unintentionally… I’m dying each day of my time, my heart sometime cannot recognize bliss, my brain think of only money and my soul is in a blurry… I’m wishing for someone to rescue me, I’m shouting for the Lord to look at me and blesses me, I’m trying to find a way out from here where I’m exactly at… I want to run away, to a very far place… I want to start a new life… but then, just I still cannot forget about those little kids who need me than anything… I feel too much pressure to live on my life…

Yeahh, I’m smiling but I bet my tears would be there without self-acknowledge once I see the sad scenes or some songs that I don’t really get meaning but the feeling of those singers…

I feel so damn in poverty indeed… Thus, I don’t feel love… I feel only the heavy responsibilities, the people who don’t really understand me but instead of requiring me to understand them most of details…

I look so calm but I’m actually burning my soul…

I look carefree but I’m so complicated and confused…

I look so bright but you may hard to find me there in my inner world coz there is so dark…

All in all, I’m smiling but I’m crying….