Become a Victim Again

It was three months I already spent my time in my current working place and it seem just a blink of eye! Though here didn’t give me such butterflies feeling in my stomach as my previous place, yet here is also beautiful enough to live with. People are kind and understanding with their warm treat to me.

Mr. Mature is that nice to me too.

When I first met Mr. Mature, he admired me and he indirectly told me to come here since I may have chance to be promoted… Then, I joined and I have been working with him… I got more and more appreciation directly, indirectly from my work… Even I often remind myself to not trust anyone words so much nor any promises, I still fell into his words and thought I was doing quite well. I was a bit proud I confessed…

However, I yesterday found out something ridiculous…

Regardless of Mr. Mature’s kind words to me; simultaneously, he reported to Mr. King (our top leader) a bit differently. He requests for a new comer since he thought I and my team seems not strong enough and he wants that new comer urgently. That new comer is meant to control me and the rest of team after him… This is a vacant I was notified during my first time meeting with Mr. Mature… I was a bit shocked to know this and all his previous admired wordings are breaking into pieces…

I got lost…

I wondered how can this guy be this different from in front and the back side?

I also blamed myself for cannot doing a really good job to get his real appreciation…

I made my Expected Chance disappear myself…

Yeah, I became a Victim again from my own inner beating…

If I get beat from other, it is another story but this is how I beat myself and I am suffering myself…

I told my best friend and she encouraged me to speak up for something I wanted… Though, I feel it already went to an end. I acknowledged the real judgement from him this late, it is hard to adjust…

Yesterday, I thought I should just accept it and lets it go… I should act calmly and silently since my commitment to stay here is one year up. It’s hurt to get promise broken from other, that is why I don’t dare to break my own promise, my own commitment…

BUT, I won’t blame Mr. Mature. This is his judgement and believing.

Back then, I myself who rose up my own hope, he never promised to promote me anyway… He just shared me there is that chance, that vacant…

Today, I am different! I won’t beat my yesterday self but I want to change the way I thought of being calmly and silently… I come up today with something challenging. Turn all those comments into chance! It is quite good to know his judgement. The reality mostly hurts us, yet it is better than to live with illusion.

I would work on my own project to strengthen myself,

I would adjust what I should adjust on myself,

I would show the world I am not the way he sees right now,

I would prove I’m the priceless diamond,

I would prove it for sure!

I would secretly learn all the management skills from the managements here and,

I would also note down their negativities for my own avoiding,

I would take risk in 2020 to be someone different,

I would only need times to gain the right knowledge,

I would make myself a management or in a level that could earn well,

And I know I wouldn’t be always positive but I would feed my positivity more,

Therefore, I would recover from self-blaming, self-suffering quicker and quicker!!!