What a blur future that is!

The moment I start thinking about my future is the moment I start torturing myself…

Coz I have no plan nor goal…

I don’t know what I am good at…

I don’t understand myself…

I don’t get it at all…

WHY?

Since first I believed I had skills and talents…

I could see my own potential which was greater than my circles…

There were the eras I leaded people…

But then, I remain at the same level…

But then, they became higher than me…

Better level than me…

I started to lose hope day by day…

I started to doubt…

I felt very unfair…

Nothing has been changed for my condition…

I ended up being in my current circumstance…

I know nowhere I am,

I know nowhere I should go,

And I know nowhere I should start again,

I gain no power,

I gain no hopes,

Yet, I gain my upset mood…

A smile of mine is faded at the moment I dare to think about my future…

It is so blur… yeah, quite blur!

Many times which I often encouraged myself,

I cheered myself,

I praised myself,

I love myself more,

This and then, I still cannot maintain my inner peace…

And that is me right now, disappointed…

Feeling down deep to de dark….

This is me right now at this seconds and minutes…

My career is such a fail I have ever met. A failure which is quite so much to me…

No one would believe I guess…yeah, I am sobbing right now….

How come my life is quite a pathetic…

Sorry to myself for moving to here in order to get the AM position, yet I am not qualified enough and other person took this role…

I’m so sorry to myself… from my quite broken heart…

Fresh Morning

“I’m under the snow… It is so cold… aiiii… I need cuddling…. I mean from a man… XD”

Suddenly, I hear a song along the wind which is blowing in my bedroom from the window…

“Jinga bell…. Jinga bell… jinga eh uh a way….”; some kids are singing in such an incorrect lyric of Christmas’s song…

---- I smile with my closed eyes -----

Then, my body is shaked by little hands and waking me from the dream of being under the snow and the desire to get a man… lol

Little Boy: Mommmy!! Mommmmy!!! Get up! Get up please!

Me: (I’m lazily opening my eyes and see my youngest boy…) yeah baby… o___O’

Big Boy: Mommy! Faster please! I wanna go to school early!

Me: Why my boy?

Big Boy: To play with my friends… hahahah….

=_____=^ I did think he may have exam…

A short conversation only between we three; yet I feel so good, full of loves and joys.

My favorite season arrives, the windy days…

I got a chill dream… hehe…

I heard my favorite song of greeting season…

This year is totally different from all previous years since this Christmas’s song is sung by my most treasure boys!

It is cold outside but I feel quite warm in my heart…

The environment in my bedroom today is awesome! Quite awesome! Lol

Thank you to the fate that brings them to me! #deeplyloves

Someone Like You

[Verse 1]

I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

[Pre-Chorus]

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over

[Chorus]

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I beg

"I'll remember," you said

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

[Verse 2]

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised in a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

[Pre-Chorus]

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over

[Chorus]

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I beg

"I'll remember," you said

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

[Bridge]

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

[Breakdown]

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

"Don't forget me," I beg

"I'll remember," you said

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

[Chorus]

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I beg

"I'll remember," you said

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

One Silent Night with my Little Boy

My smallest boy of 3 years old still doesn’t sleep yet. It is quite silent in my village from this mid night; all we could hear is the barking sound from my neighbors’ dogs… Well, in our house, there are only me, my big son and my this little cutie. Their dad is on business trip to abroad while the big boy fell asleep a few hours already. I cannot sleep before my smallest boy anyway but I always accompany him until he falls asleep first that I can too since he is so young…

Immediately, my little boy goes to sit in front of the mirror and keeps smiling! I’m so scared for his reaction, he calls me to see with him and he points into the mirror… I close my eyes and drag him to hug… He pushes me out and goes back to his seat… He still smiles happily in front of the mirror… It’s scary to me at this moment; yet I still want to know what it is. I go to sit next to him and look into the mirror but I see nothing strange. I ask him why does he smile? He points to the mirror again and speaks out lout…”Papa!!! Mak Mak”…

Hahahha…. Actually, he sees the reflection of my wedding photo which hangs on the wall, opposite to the mirror and my little boy may miss his daddy!

Then, he walks around and stops to see the top wall of the room…

“Mak Mak, there!!!”

I look up but I don’t see anything differently….

He continues, “See? Mak Mak!”

I answers him, “I see nothing baby!”

He crosses his hand, looks at me smirkly and says…”The clock! Lets sleep!”

I’m be like… ahhh… just something so? Oh gosh!

Heheheh…. We go to sleep!

That night, nothing goes wrong but only my imagination… Imagination in inappropriate way could kill me. All I believe, it is that my little baby boy could see the ghost or spirit! Hahahaha….

             

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Become a Victim Again

It was three months I already spent my time in my current working place and it seem just a blink of eye! Though here didn’t give me such butterflies feeling in my stomach as my previous place, yet here is also beautiful enough to live with. People are kind and understanding with their warm treat to me.

Mr. Mature is that nice to me too.

When I first met Mr. Mature, he admired me and he indirectly told me to come here since I may have chance to be promoted… Then, I joined and I have been working with him… I got more and more appreciation directly, indirectly from my work… Even I often remind myself to not trust anyone words so much nor any promises, I still fell into his words and thought I was doing quite well. I was a bit proud I confessed…

However, I yesterday found out something ridiculous…

Regardless of Mr. Mature’s kind words to me; simultaneously, he reported to Mr. King (our top leader) a bit differently. He requests for a new comer since he thought I and my team seems not strong enough and he wants that new comer urgently. That new comer is meant to control me and the rest of team after him… This is a vacant I was notified during my first time meeting with Mr. Mature… I was a bit shocked to know this and all his previous admired wordings are breaking into pieces…

I got lost…

I wondered how can this guy be this different from in front and the back side?

I also blamed myself for cannot doing a really good job to get his real appreciation…

I made my Expected Chance disappear myself…

Yeah, I became a Victim again from my own inner beating…

If I get beat from other, it is another story but this is how I beat myself and I am suffering myself…

I told my best friend and she encouraged me to speak up for something I wanted… Though, I feel it already went to an end. I acknowledged the real judgement from him this late, it is hard to adjust…

Yesterday, I thought I should just accept it and lets it go… I should act calmly and silently since my commitment to stay here is one year up. It’s hurt to get promise broken from other, that is why I don’t dare to break my own promise, my own commitment…

BUT, I won’t blame Mr. Mature. This is his judgement and believing.

Back then, I myself who rose up my own hope, he never promised to promote me anyway… He just shared me there is that chance, that vacant…

Today, I am different! I won’t beat my yesterday self but I want to change the way I thought of being calmly and silently… I come up today with something challenging. Turn all those comments into chance! It is quite good to know his judgement. The reality mostly hurts us, yet it is better than to live with illusion.

I would work on my own project to strengthen myself,

I would adjust what I should adjust on myself,

I would show the world I am not the way he sees right now,

I would prove I’m the priceless diamond,

I would prove it for sure!

I would secretly learn all the management skills from the managements here and,

I would also note down their negativities for my own avoiding,

I would take risk in 2020 to be someone different,

I would only need times to gain the right knowledge,

I would make myself a management or in a level that could earn well,

And I know I wouldn’t be always positive but I would feed my positivity more,

Therefore, I would recover from self-blaming, self-suffering quicker and quicker!!!

New People

During these recently, I’m being around with many new people in my Greenland Empire. Of course, there were some days we had opposite opinions, yet there were many days we were getting along quite well. We talk, we share, we tease, we laugh from our fun time we often had together!

They are:

1. Mr. King of Greenland Empire: he is warm, he is quite optimistic and of course, he is so caring with such a strong leadership.

2. Mr. After King: He is quite funny and super dirty mind! Hahaha… Well, I like him a lot and he is that rich in management capacity with entrepreneur perspective.

3. Mr. Mature: He is one of the management here too. He is alike a calm water while I at first was alike a throwing stone into that water which made it became turbulent… I just feel he was a bit swaying coz of me… Maybe because he is calm and positive while I am a bit aggressive and a bit negative… lol… And sometime, I even show him his thought isn’t on the same track with me…

4. Ms. Sweet: She is a so nice management and sweet speaking with expert in communication. She has straight forward interaction, yet in a kind words.

5. Mr. Gentle: yeah, his appearance is a gentle man, a gentle management while his dirty mind is at that high level too… lol…

6. Ms. Elegant: Her level is after Ms. Sweet. She is also a straight forward person but her words most often could hurt other but just I could see, people try to hide their real emotion from her words. So, Ms. Elegant may not know she has spoken roughly. However, she has good intention and a generous lady too.

7. Mr. Funny: hehehe… he is working with Mr. After King and he is also funny. He is sensitive by the way and he also had some grudges, yet he also could release his grudge well enough. He loves sharing his knowledge and is willing to help other.

8. Ms. Kitty: she loves Cat the most, so I call her so… hehehe… She is clear, mature and has exact plan on her job. Sometime, she seems so silent while sometime, it’s hard to control her making noise… lol

9. Ms. Flower: that is her real name, flower. She has good and understanding personality. She also has management attitude whereas she isn’t the management yet. To me, I like her but I could see some people here mind her this attitude secretly…

10. Ms. Youngest: She is such a very cheerful young lady who is quite positive and good consideration, fair judgement.

11. Ms. Jung Un’s Sister: She looks quiet but well, when I get to know her more, she is noisy too! Lol… She knows how to be joking well, just she doesn’t often show it…

12. Ms. Sad Aunt: She looks much sensitive to all matters, this is how people judge her. However, she isn’t really so to me and she treats me so friendly.

13. Ms. Icy: Heheheh… people call her so since she loves having ice drinks even when she catches a cold. She is a smart lady and mature.

14. Mr. ZoMyGod: His joke is from how he repeats other’s people words. People won’t always get their wordings right when they are speaking and at the moment people get it wrong, Mr. ZoMyGod gonna catches it well to turn into joke… Hahaha... Last but not least, he also has error words and people gonna catch him back and laugh! xD

15. Mr. Reading: His favorite is reading, everyone knows and on his birthday, he got several good books as his gift! He feels blessed and he loves it.

16. Ms. Angel: This is how her husband calls her! Her husband shows a lot of loves to her and he doesn’t feel shy to call her “Angel” even on social media! She is a lucky wife and she deserves it.

17. Ms. Beautiful: The most beautiful lady in my team. She is white, tall, slim, young, charming face and generous. I once wondered what is her negative point? No one is perfect, that is why I was wondering… Or maybe she is the exceptional case, isn’t she? hehehe…

18. Ms. CFO: hehehe… She is my teammate and since her husband is the CEO of her company, I secretly give her a name of CFO! XD She is an open-minded person, easy going and honest. Spending time with her is worth it, I never get bored, she is quite humorous! Lol… Surely, she is rich but she is humble and she treats people nicely.

19. Ms. Cinderella: She is the last one of my list and SHE IS ME! XD My most beloved name, Cinderella or Rella! No more description... XD

Eva Rich

She is sexy, beautiful, seems quite smart and seducing! Lol

I just got to know her and she is very straight forward. Her expression is extremely what she feels. Well, I love her a lot! I do love her! Hehe…

AND She is Eva Rich, the sticker from Telegram Application. xD

A Letter to My Beloved Girl

My Dearly Girl,

Are you getting better yet?

Thank you for sharing me your sadness. We are meant to not only sharing the fun but also your tough time. I would love to hear and I hope you would also feel releasing from your stress…

I got it of how you feel when all your circles are getting higher and higher while you are nothing much.

You must feel so pity to your own life, mustn’t you?

You would feel the life is just so unfair to you, right?

You may also cry and ask WHY?

Well, my dear… You know, there must be many people who only wish for a life like yours! That isn’t wrong to look up but please interpret it in positive way. You should look up of how people could be that high and you might start thinking of how you could adjust your life if you think it is not right yet. Please don’t look up and compare yourselves to them, blame yourselves and feel so sorry for yourselves! Different people, different fates we are. Don’t be mad and don’t expect because you and your friends started the same level, you would keep being at the same level! We didn’t walk the same way and we cannot imagine of how struggle they have been through as well. Even our own siblings from the same parents, we still grow up and get different lives…

My dear girl, why don’t you try to accept yourselves first? Please accept yourselves, accept your flaws and stop complaining nor comparing! Once you use your time to only comparing, you would miss those time to use in a fruitful way. Use your time to understand yourselves, analyze the ways you ever walked through and where you can fix instead. That is very common for human to do things incorrectly; yet, just don’t continue to do it. A person without mistakes will be a person without anything new… Don’t beat yourselves so much! That is self-violent! Love yourselves, warm yourselves, understand yourselves more and encourage yourselves, motivate yourselves to go on. A small step also makes a progress. Life is short! Make it count!

Uhmmm, I accept that you are still in a lower level of society but I won’t accept that you must live very unhappily. Your life is totally from your choice whether you choose to love it unconditionally, hug it tightly or to resent it and hate it… Remember! Your happiness is from within first!

Even without wealth, many people could still live in highly appreciation of harmony. Oh…oh, don’t confuse again! I didn’t mean you would live your whole life without any wealth! Hahhaha… You are still very young! You have plenty time to think of how you could strengthen your life’s standard!!!

“Think out of the box” is my favorite quote these last several months. Try applying it to yourselves! You would only get the same result from going on the same ways, don’t you think so? Hehehe

Actually, we can choose to talk but I prefer to write you this letter so you can read later… ^^

Don’t feel down again, okay?

I know you can do it!

A lot of loves!

DO WHAT SCARES ME

I’ve met many unfortunate situations and I don’t think it comes to its end yet. However, I turned most of those heart-aching occurring into life lessons and I became stronger. I’m not the strongest woman, yet I’m better than my previous me and I do appreciate myself for choosing this way to move on.

Recently, I tried something new which I had been so scared of… It should be something very ordinary to many people while it was tough to me and I used my all courage to do it…

I’ve never ever once stayed alone at home from my this almost 30 years old, I’m afraid of those atmosphere which is no human around… Imagination could kill a person… lol… Especially, the one who is so scared of the ghost just like me… Thus, I neither travel to any far place alone… What if I get lost? Or what if I get abducted? I’m not the child from the millionaire’s family, yet I still could think this way… hehehe…

Last weekend, it was a golden chance to test myself… All my family members had to go to join a celebration in the province several days and I previously would always follow them around. Though, this time I told myself I should do what scares me and let’s see what would be going on. I told my family I wouldn’t join them because of the work conditions so I chose to be home alone. They all were surprised and asked if I would be okay and of course, I re-confirmed. They agreed and it was when I had to go through what I chose… I was in my home without anyone, I was damn scared, I turned all the light on and I could not look into the mirror, I tried to escape them… Of course, I could not sleep tight as well… As thought, many imaginations did happen in my mind so I was trying hard to fight with them… It was my mind which created those imaginations so it must be me who had to control my own mind! I did all my house chores and I also found more tasks to do. I spent my time in a productivity way and I wanted time to move faster as well… Finally, it was 9.00 PM that I did all the things and it made me exhausted… Dinner was had while I just laid on the mattress, I was blackout… lol… Things didn’t just end, I waked up at 2.00 AM and I was quite shocked… “Why wasn’t it 6.00 AM”, I was muttering… However, I could manage it again, I told myself, this 2.00 AM was already morning while some people, they would get up and went straight to the wholesale market to buy vegetables for their day time selling… I told myself I was one of those lucky people who could continue my sleep… lol… Then, I won my own mind, even without my family, I could go on and life still goes on!

After a few days being home alone, I told my family I wanted to visit them in the province and they were just like…” Why didn’t I just go with them from the start?” hehehe… Actually, I wanna test myself! 

Leaving from home at around 6.00 AM, I was on TukTuk alone to the bus station, I was a bit clumsy to find where I could get the ticket but there were many kind people who could guess my situation and told me… I then headed to have breakfast that almost made me miss the bus! I ran to the bus and handed my ticket, I found my seat! Most of people looked at me, I may look so weird from looking around again and again… 

It was just a bus but I felt so excited to be there alone, without knowing anyone and of course, it was my first time of life as well to be on public bus! In addition, maybe I also looked strange… I was in the very short jeans, T-shirt and hood Adidas jacket while with my gray fluffy mini bag… Two and a half hours later, I arrived my destination…

Last but not least, I loved my this decision a lot! I could see myself better, I could own my mind and I could win over my imagination while I’m growing braver as well! That is such a good start! 

#lovemyself

A Strong Lady’s Hurtful Story

There is a warm and wealthy family who is living comfortably. There are four family members, the parents and two children. The mother is the business woman and the father is the professional employee of a private company. The mother could earn quite remarkably from her business and she never need any support from her husband to their family. She is wise and a strong lady. The father could earn nicely as well and since his wife never asks any cents from him, he just keeps his earning. The both children never meet any obstacles in life, they could get what they wish for but they both are well educated from their school and especially, their mother, stay humble and friendly.

One day, an unexpected tragic thing happens and damages the whole family’s happiness! The mother finds out the father has been betraying her and has the second wife. This is what she’s never ever imagined it could happen in her family. Thus, it is not a short period of relationship between them since they have a few kids already. The mother is speechless but stays calm and waiting for her husband explanation. She believes he would be back to her warm family and she is ready to forgive him as well.

However, things seem don’t go right. This is the second shock to the mother and the family! The father decides to divorce his perfect and understanding wife. His reason is very ridiculous. He claims that his second wife and his kids with her cannot live without him. He knows this clearly than anyone since his second family is depending on his earning to move on. He believes his first wife is the strong lady who could lead the family well even without him and so do his first both children with the first wife. They are strong from birth, thanks to his first wife.

The wife almost could not believe her ears! Yet, she lets him go. It doesn’t mean she has no romantic deeply feeling toward him but she accepts that his soul already left her family. Even if she is trying to take him back, all remaining is only his body…

The first wife looks total fine but actually she is broken inside and that takes years to heal her wounds. Her children as well, they all need time to heal their pain from this shocking occurring…

To me, I see the father as the selfish person, the most selfish one! I don’t think he decides to live with his second wife because they cannot live without him but because he wants to show his self-worth. He must think that he is just nothing in his first family but he is the real main leading person in his second family. To my opinion, he is just trying to please himself by using the second family as excuse! He wants recognition, he wants fame, he wants power and he wanna be the real king in the family.

And the first wife, the strong lady ends up being even stronger but a bit lonely without her beloved man… Yet, she could live and moves on because of her two children. They are her hope, her motivation to go on and the biggest precious gift from her marriage with the man she loves the most…

#fiction#bases#on#real#story#in#society

This and That about Snake Horoscope of 2018

1. Overall of Snake

Frankly, I’m still in a blurry spot of where I can go and who I want to be…

I’m still losing in a mysterious world of my life! Things I didn’t dare to get, I got offered and I rejected while I think I’m ready to get them, they stop coming to me! I’m seeking for the chance now…

Well, only one thing I am sure I want so much is my beauty! Hehehe… I started spending in order to get a white skin of both my face and body… While I wanna get the surgery of my nose and my body too… I wanna be a slim sexy lady… hehe… I would manage on my diet first and try for exercising or if they don’t work on me, I would try to save and go to further action! This is all of what I am so clear I want to do in this year! xD

2. Quick Facts about Snake

I love how they are describing “Quick facts about Snake”! Hehehe… I feel funny and of course, it is actually my personality…

3. Money & Career

This is the most accurate one to me, I got the new job and already moved in mid of June. I was promised to get incentive and even promotion. Yet, the incentive that he promised, it doesn’t happen yet and I couldn’t imagine about promotion then… lol

4. Family & Friends

I got these predictions from two different websites and well, I’m facing it now! Day by day, I get such painful argument with my Mom which made her crying sometime and made me quite hurt in tearing every time we are fighting... I could say I’m such a bad daughter to her but I cannot stop myself not to debate with her. She is too much to me lately which I find it hard to bare. Though, she is still my mother. I would try to calm myself and follow the advice from the prediction, stay calm, be kind and gentle. Last but not least, avoid disputes and quarrels with all and especially my female relatives.