High School re-Taste

I graduated high school since 2007 and counting until now is about 10 years. However, I always miss my high school’s student life. I always wanna flash back the time-being and enjoy that moment even it may be last only 1 day.

Until recently, I got informed that I would be in a Formal Test of general knowledge and English for challenging to be the officer of government. Yet, don’t confused if I was automatically selected for the test but my honey was the one who applied for me and I was that innocent to know about this… lol… He bought the form for me and lets me fill my personal information while the rest, he took responsibilities to fill more and so did the process to apply… Two days more before the test day arrived, my honey gave me more than 10 softcopy documents to review and told me to try to memorize for the exam but you know what? They totally were about over 200 pages and I was just too busy with my work and so did at my home too (my both sons were all sick). I tried so hard to read them with my very less time…

Exam Day arrived…

I was meant to reach exam’s venue at 6:30 AM and it was Sunday. That day was raining none stop as cat and dog since around 1AM. I wanna gave up the exam, no feeling at all but he forced me to go… X(

Say goodbye to my home and reached the place of exam at around 6:45 AM. It was drizzling just like a falling snow… Everywhere was so crowded with many applicants to get the exam; just liked the first new day of school. I, with my all tied hair, natural makeup face and that white shirt & big dark blue skirt, I looked just beautiful as a student (a bit so fat, so big only) lol…

I ran under the drizzle and was trying to find my class to get the exam. It was in a high school as the exam venue and I immediately got the feeling of my high school… I always ran to reach class coz I was always that late…hehehe…

I got confused with the map and it took so long to find my class with my sweating body… It was always me and it was still me, almost the last or even the last one to get into the class. Then the rain started very much again… The class has no light so it was a bit dark and everyone looked so sleepy, especially me! =))

There was a guy who sat in front of me…

He was kinda gentleman and friendly....

In front of him, there was another guy…

Though, he didn’t talk with that front guy any much…

He just kept looking at me…

He chitchatted with me…

But I was so sleepy….lol

So, I tried to escape from him by resting on the table and he moved his seat to the direction I rested and continued to look at my face with his nonstop flowing words from his lips… No matter how many times I tried to change my resting direction, he kept following me… 

-----I was just so annoyed-----

Even when I closed my eyes and pretended as sleeping, he still didn’t stop speaking….

He seemed so care of me, he asked me if what I did at night… He advised me to take good care of my health…

Nahhh, he showed his so caring attitude and shared me his so fresh smile…

It was a feeling of high school again… I got flirted…

And it was again, I reacted nothing much…. Be like pretty girl’s attitude! Gagagagagaaga….

Maybe around 7:15 AM, the exam papers arrived…

- I needed to fill my personal information…. Ok, I can write very fast…

- I need to fill Exam's venue name.... And I put my high school's name...sh*t!! Totally wrong!

- I needed to fill the ministry I applied to…. Fu*k! I didn’t know at all!!! He was the one who wrote it for me! o___O’

That front seat gentleman could catch my confusing moment and I told him I didn't know the ministry I applied... He laughed but he also advised me to ask the exam monitor to check my document! So shamed I was!!! So clumsy…. Lol

That was another flash back feeling; I looked that stupid most of time while people, especially the opposite sex found me as cutie…. hehehe....

The exam started….

General knowledge test was the first round, the front guy asked me if I can answer or not and I told him they all were questions from amazon or something… aww… I didn’t know the exact answer at all so I told him I won’t need that 2 hours to answer, half hour for me should be enough… lol… I had nothing to answer….

He laughed and continued to write on his exam paper… and I started mine too…

I was one of superb students about Khmer Literature… I could answer them well no matter what coz I was always good at describing things, good at imagination, giving examples and so did the good writer too… I always was one among top three high score students.

Back to this exam, of course I knew nothing to exact answer but I still can analyze and wrote it down… That guy after a while, he turned back to me and he acted just so surprised to see how I wrote, almost done…lol…

Him: nahhh… I supposed if I could help you…

Me: hehehe… I almost have done it but I was just answering with no clues….

Him: And you acted as you cannot do it at all…

Me: Did I???

We both laughed…. Hehehe….

First session ended…

I didn’t ignore him anymore; he was that kind to share me the answer, wasn’t him?

We spent our break time to share this and that… he asked me a lot, my study life, my work life and many relevant, except the love life…lol… And I knew a lot about him too coz whenever he asked me, I always returned back by “And you??” ^^’

I felt he real liked me a lot…. XD

It was a very beautiful weather anyway, the rain dropped none stop; it cleaned the nature properly and made surrounding nature brightly in green… The wind was flowing gently; the classroom was fulfilled by pairs of conversation, talking, chuckling and some pair looked that shy to each one too…hahahha….

Nothing was different from my high school moments....

Second session started….

Exam paper was on each applicant’s table…

That guy was teasing me by his smilely face… “Ehh, would you say you cannot do it again?”

And I replied, “Maybe? Who know?”

We laughed again…lol….

……..

……..

……..

I’ve done with my exam paper and this second session was about English and Computer testing… All questions were multiples choices. Frankly, I have done from much more of guessing than what I actually knew… heheheh….

That guy turned to me again… and he smiled sweetly again and asked:

Him: Readyyy???

Me: Yesss…. And I gonna leave soon….

Him: huh… [he seemed so hesitated….]

Him: ….uhmmmm….emmm……well, could you share me the answer of computer test? I had no idea about that….

-----------He was so shy--------

I was like…."Ahhhh….ahhh…. here it was… you can see but well, all got from my guess only, I had no trace about them either… " hehheeheh….. (^_^)’

He smiled nicely again while his hand was busy copying the answer….

After he have done copying, I said goodbye to him & left the room….

In short, all he did to me was nothing about “Like” or “Care”…. Heehehe…. It was just a normal attitude of applicants who would get the exam, built connection and it may be useful in some way…. XP

Last but not least, it was a feeling I ever got from high school too… I was over-thinking! 10 years already from my high school and I’m still not so different from the past….

SihanoukVille House on the Hill

I’m walking along the natural street in SihanoukVille while is hugging his hand and we meet two beautiful ladies there. They are the actresses and my man is a popular actor, the very handsome guy^^ while he is wearing this white shirt, he looks damn sexy! :* This incident meeting is such a greeting time to them; especially, those ladies. They come to greet my man very closely. They remind my man about their performing scene of kissing and even persuade my man to do it there by the reason of beautiful scenery to fit with kissing… Fuck you bitches!!!  Oh well… my man seems stupid or what?? Coz he agrees to kiss with the first lady who persuades him; however, he rejects the second lady by excusing as it doesn’t seem appropriate….

“Pervert!!! Why can’t you think so since the first????”        

I don’t feel good at all and stare at him angrily… he smiles too charming to me and introduce me to those ladies… “By the way, she is my woman! She is so cute, isn’t she??? We soon will see our little prince and princess…hahaha”

He talks proudly and happily as I’m the limited edition of the world and he is the lucky one to get…lol and that is the moment I just notice that I’m pregnant with my lovely twin of a boy and a girl… lol… I’m so stupid to be able to forget such this special thing…. Thus, when was our erotic night? Hehehe… No idea at all… But I know I’m deeply in love with him… I’m falling in love with him again and again whenever he smiles…even sometimes, it is not the smile for me…. hehehhe….

We continue our walking and heading to somewhere I have no idea about… He uses his strong arm to hug my shoulders; his smell is so…so… oh lah, so manly! ^,^

We walk into a narrow street… the houses around there are old fashion and look kinda dark… I feel scared but he tells me it’s nothing bad… He tells me not to judge anything just from what I see… The people there know him so well and talk to him very friendly while he seems so glad to meet them too.

Finally, we arrive our destination. That is a medium flat but decorates as Villa mode. It stands on a hill with several more flats and this location is higher than all other houses there. He gives me keys to log in and he tells me I need to log 3 times correctly with different keys in order to come in the house. If I get no matter only 1 time mistake, the key won’t be unlocked even later I get the right one... We may need to wait a few hours first in order to start again. I hear a man’s voice tells me I choose the wrong key but I trust my man’s words more than anyone so I won’t change to follow that strange voice. At the end, the key is unlocked. We walk in… the indoor decoration is wooden with remarkable ancient style.

Me: whose house is it?

Him: It belongs to my aunt. She is the informal wife of the king but now she is free from her complicated life and is living abroad. She gave this house to me.

Me: [----Mistress?? I’m thinking inside…. & keep silent outside… hehehehe----]

He is sitting there near the window and having some hot tea while I’m exploring the house, the rooms, one by one… Until I open a bed room which belonged to his aunt, I feel just so frighten… it looks very scary and disgusted as in prison…. Such a spiritual room I’m thinking about… But other rooms are neat and clean….

Me: We should not live here, I don’t feel good honey!

Him: Here’s okay, don’t worry dear…

Me: Nahhhh… So, won’t you prefer to go to the beach???? I wanna have the meal there…

Him: Around here also have meal to sell… should we have soup nearby??

Me: Aww… I dislike here… [---I’m smirking---]

Him: Hahahah… stop nagging na… [----He is rubbing my head gently with chuckling----]

I’m about to sit near my beloved man and we notice a noise outside… We look out of the window and there is a big natural pond behind the house; though, many tractors are working so hard on that pond to fill it to be the smooth land… He tells me that investor is trying to buy this house for their development project and most of owners agree with their negotiation but he is the one who never agrees. He mentions that it is the only one inheritance that his aunt gave him. So he must take very good care of this house till the end…

We go out of the house, he hugs me warmly and we are standing there watching those working tractors….

They are trying to negotiate to buy our house but coz we don’t sell it, they have no choice; they can’t force, it is illegal….

Those a few more flats that I first saw when I just arrived, they all disappeared…. Our house is then prettily standing alone on that high hill and shows her beauty elegantly….

Feeling Remote

No matter how beautiful the fresh flower is; it is going to wither and soon to fade away…

No matter how paradise look like for the spring is; it is going to be replaced by another season once time arrives….

Just like me; I felt so lonely coz people around me are discriminating me indirectly or even directly. There are some generous people who come to my life and brighten my daily smile… However, it is very sad coz when their time arrives; they’ve gone one by one… Oh well, they didn’t die, I meant they left me…

I felt so miserable; I went to a pagoda and met the monk I always trust the most. I shared him my story and he explained me a lot but he ended up by a remarkable phrase...

“PLEASE stop putting yourself in sorrow; please stop being happy coz they treat you well or being sad coz they are doing something unsatisfied to you since all of all; your happiness is belong to you, yourself! Please stop being glad or sad coz of other! Please learn to create your own happiness by YOURSELF!”

Of course, this phrase is repeatedly spoken in my head. I should not offer my Feeling Remote to them, shouldn’t me? Though, just my heart is still in pain and not yet know where to start first in order to gain or maintain my own happiness by myself. Just coz I still believe that a flower can be well blossom coz of the nice weather…. A person can be joyful coz of surrounding good people… I don’t think I can be that happy once I’m around by devils…

Blue Swimming Pool

In my swimming suit and I’m hugging my toy, walking around the swimming pool in a WaterLand Resort…. The pool there is so beautiful; the water is quite blue as the sea… There is a large slipping board that we can enjoy by slipping ourselves into that pool… However, I don’t dare to play since I don’t know how to swim.

Suddenly, a few people call my name and they are my colleagues… They call me to play in that pool with them… I smile and slip myself by turning my head down and it’s going quite fast into that water…. Wahhhh, I’m so excited!!!! Hahhaha…. A colleague then suggests me to slip by my legs down first is more fun since I can smell that blue water when I fall down… I wonder if this water may have smell as the sea since it looks so much alike the sea… With the doubt of how it smells, I do as he suggests… Do you know what I get? Oh well well, it smells nothing as the sea but a chemical smell… Maybe this blue water is gotten from chemical substance and what is annoying me most, I get choked while a lot of water goes into my nose and I’m hardly to breathe with so teary eyes… lol…

We are playing in that blue water around and around… I wonder again of how big the pool is since I don’t see it all at one glance… It has corner wall to hide the exact space of the pool… I alone, walk enjoyably in the water to a corner on the right side and mean to go further… Immediately, a man voice talks to me….!!!!

Him: “Stop! Go back now!”

Me: “Why??” and I turn to find the owner’s voice….

A very good looking man is sitting at that right corner with his light blue shirt, a bit long hair that is about up to his neck and looks at me in a kinda smirk strict face and sharp eyes… A face that seem caring of me as an elder brother whom sees his own sister is doing something crazily that is more than enough to make him absolutely mad… Though, I swear I don’t know when he comes here coz I’m sure no one stays at this corner from when I am in this water… He just appears so mysteriously I feel….

We continue our speech….

Him: “Just go back, there is so dirty!!”

Me: “Dirty? With this cute blue water??”

I don’t listen to him at all… Even though he is handsome but it doesn’t mean all handsome guys can order me to do this or that… +++Just most of them only… hehehhe+++

I don’t care but walk steadily to that right corner… Oh ohhh…. I step on something that is too soft and my feet feel they are type of mud or something of disgusting rubbish that is rotten….

Me: “Aiiiiii, what are these??? I feel so disgusting….”

That mysterious man replies me: “Go back then! Get out of this water!”

Me: “Hmmm…. I’m thinking if I should… Or I can just play at my previous spot is okay, right?”

Him: “Look at where you just move from and everywhere of this water!”

I turn around as he orders and I’m quite panic… I am alike in the stream water that full of mud… Not the blue but the light brown water as milk-coffee…. I cannot see the bottom of the pool as I just go in… People I once play with are all gone… I feel so scary… It seems a witchy pool to trick me in… I’m so rush to go back out of the pool… Simultaneously, I look back to him and it is the same time he looks at me too… I’m with my thankful face and he with the same facial expression as first I saw him… Maybe he is still mad coz of my stubbornness… ^^’

This was my dream last night…

I don’t know what kind of bitchy case may happen to me again…

I got tricked twice…

Second trick was to drag me into the water in inappropriate way and made me choked badly…

And the first trick that I met, the trick that I had no idea it was a trick… It was that I was seduced to play in that nice blue water which in reality was just damn dirty water… Witchy to the max!

Whatever, I finally was rescued…. Lol, thanks you so much to Mr. Good Merit!

They are disappointed...

I remember I was quite upset last few weeks but now, I am feeling back to a stable state.

However, from the time I was feeling so deep down, I admitted I did think of suicide... I shared this feeling to one of my bestie just in case I decided to do it, at least there is her who knew why I was doing that... (though, she didn't get as I was serious... hahaha)
I didn't think any further but wanted to commit that bad sin on myself once I only discussed with my heart... I didn't ask for ideas from other parts of my whole body, especially my brain! Well, my heart is such a messenger... It may deliver what I discussed with her to everyone of my body's parts. You know what??? They all must be so disappointed, they must be so sad... From that day of my bad thinking, I started to be sick day to day... I got headache most of days, I feel hurt from my my legs, my arms, my hip, I caught bad cold... someday was feeling dizzy, no power in body... I cannot eat well... I feel most of food were disgusted... and yesterday, I got so much stomachache​ until was sent to clinic! Doctor said I got food poisoning! Oh God, before yesterday, I was having dinner with my family of 7 people... We ate the same food, the same drinks and finally, only me who got food poisoning and other were all fine... So ridiculous! lolz...

It must be my body who is so sad and becomes damn weak like this... hehehe...
I got so much suffering during these over few weeks...
I don't feel of suicide anymore, I was suffering enough... lol
Hope everything is back to normal for me and please be healthy back to me!

Stop being sad nor disappointed anymore my all body's parts, I won't suicide! =))

A Life Lately...

It has been tough to me and so does lately… I never had enough sleep since I need to take care my both sons who got such an illness (over 10 times per day of vomiting and diarrhea; plus, high tempered) but well, they weren’t poisoned but the big son was with typhoid and the smallie was having bacteria in his nose, throat and intestine! They are still in treatment process… it has been over a week already… 

Because my husband was abroad, all the responsibilities as the mother and the father had to be shown from me… I finally got flu but still tried to care them no matter what…  I’m easily putting my own self in pressure and also this time… I never dared to hit my son but this time…and it was much too I guessed since my parents and my brother came to stop me but I didn't stop hitting him until the moment my little boy was looking to me sadly with his tears..."Mommy, it's hurt alot!!!"... I was frozen and speechless and stopped by myself.... This happened coz I was so mad that he was trying to vomit and lets the medicine out… I ended up deeply regret for being this way…

Yes, I felt totally guilty and I turned immediately to talk with him, asked him for forgiveness... What did I get? He smiled to me and hugged me tight without any words... I felt so touching and of course, I was so hurt.... I cannot stop my tears... Sorry my son! Your mom is kinda psycho!!! :'(

SMILE

Time is moving from day to day… Uhmm, these few years, I met a lot of things that kept upsetting me…

- Working place where people team up and discriminate me, look down me…

- Family financial crisis that may have no expired date…

- Very big amount of debt…

- Conflict between parents and my man.

Each day, I’m just very busy but I never can release myself from feeling so lonely…

I am smiling, laughing, telling jokes each of most days but I am in that dark of my inner world… I’m sitting there at a tiny corner, hugging my own knees and crying… The feeling is much more than just immediately die I guess. People around me are putting me down intentionally and unintentionally… I’m dying each day of my time, my heart sometime cannot recognize bliss, my brain think of only money and my soul is in a blurry… I’m wishing for someone to rescue me, I’m shouting for the Lord to look at me and blesses me, I’m trying to find a way out from here where I’m exactly at… I want to run away, to a very far place… I want to start a new life… but then, just I still cannot forget about those little kids who need me than anything… I feel too much pressure to live on my life…

Yeahh, I’m smiling but I bet my tears would be there without self-acknowledge once I see the sad scenes or some songs that I don’t really get meaning but the feeling of those singers…

I feel so damn in poverty indeed… Thus, I don’t feel love… I feel only the heavy responsibilities, the people who don’t really understand me but instead of requiring me to understand them most of details…

I look so calm but I’m actually burning my soul…

I look carefree but I’m so complicated and confused…

I look so bright but you may hard to find me there in my inner world coz there is so dark…

All in all, I’m smiling but I’m crying….