Who are you?

From birth till secondary school, I was just a silent and gentle girl but I was convinced that it’s nothing happy for being this way. So after I joined high school, I nurtured myself and found new me of a talkative person. I did have many friends and enjoyed high school moments. I loved it a lot.

I continued to talk a lot and did love sharing. In my early university class, I was brave enough to stand up, ask questions or answering even the lecturer didn’t point to me. However, later I was selected to do the presentation in front of hundreds students which at that time I could remember none words to present my topic. Feeling so ashamed, nervous, complicated.... Confident left my world....

What has happened in my early university made me concern. During my first and second job, I was the staff who just did the job as ordered from management. I didn’t tend to show any of my views even I believed it won’t work out…. This habit dragged me to be the coward and I was treated very low. I decided to leave there.

I left those two jobs to start the new of my third job. My coward personality wasn’t vanished anyway. The management at my third place didn’t really like who I was by that way. It’s because of even they asked me to share my idea; I cannot find any single things to share according to most of discussion’s subjects. I just kept silent. My third place valued the young talented people who were brave and full of passion to work; plus challenging and high capacity. This became my pressure, so I left there.

I accidentally found my fourth job and that is my current working place. I didn’t wanna suffer as previous company for being noncompetitive if comparing to other. So, I committed to change myself. I put all my effort to nurture myself again and approached my courage. Finally it was successful. I dared to share what I saw in my thinking even in front of the highest management. I was not afraid to comment anything or anyone who did mistakes but I didn’t mean to step on them, it is just called constructive criticism. I did my best to improve my team. I love my team, my company. My first management did love what I have been doing at that time and so did my team mates.

However, when the second management joined; plus new team mates joined, everything was just upside down. The way I worked with my first management, my second management call it as bothersome. She says that it is not my job; I should do my job is enough. She says that I’m not her boss, she knows what she should do and her job has nothing to relate with me. In addition, the way I work with team mates become confusing too. They believe as I’m trying to catch their mistakes, to put them down. They show their unsatisfied feeling to what I am doing. It indirectly shows as I’m trying to control their jobs, touch their jobs. I never mean so…

Do you know what I have been through after?

I was isolated, discriminated, insulted and lonely… I’m alike the over piece of useless stuff. I’m pretty in pain, cold pain and quite sad. They treat me as the statue which has no feeling… They won’t do anything on me beside throwing away of my presence during any of our team meeting such as going for a walk or having meal. Even sometime I join their time, it only happen that way that they don’t mean to have me. :)

Well, I don’t mean to get their attention though. I know this is their choices to choose who they like. However, isn’t it a bit fierce to put me in that silent world? I want friendship! I have no idea of how can it go this far and seriously so? I know what they dislike, so I start to change myself for them, but they still don’t like me… lol….

Should I leave here since I’m this hurtful? Answer is NO! My life now isn’t only belonging to me, but my both kids too. What would I have to raise them up if I’m jobless?

Isn’t it ridiculous? I keep changing myself for other just all I want is good lively life while it won’t go as the way I want. For lifting my mood up, I read many motivated quotes and they mean that: Sometime we cannot get what we want coz of many reasons or maybe coz we have no unique point. Constantly changing yourselves for other, it is just the fake you. Be who you are! Then you will meet someone who would love to be by your side….

At this state, in order to become who I am, should I change back to the original set of me and stop concerning about the surrounding???

#psycho